busride2lethe

I STILL believe in the general good in people. And because I’m a good person there is no reason why I should not be surrounded by equally good people.

Sometimes we imagine or want to believe that some people are perfect, probably because we know our own imperfections so deeply that we subconsciously ignore them, as we tangle ourselves in search of the ideal. I think by “we”, I meant “I”. And when I ask myself what I expect of me and how/if I can meet these expectations, THEN I realise – hey, seriously, “what can YOU expect of people?”

There are also expectations that are measured based on personal achievements or pain. For example: I was young. I was poor. I too came from a dysfunctional family. I also had a dangerous mind with too much baggage. BUT I identified my goals, sucked it up and made better my life that could have been in the gutters. Why couldn't you? Or, I survived this position and in this industry because I literally put blood and sweat into it. When I did not know and was not experienced enough, I put in extra effort, worked till 10pm everyday since day one. What I lacked in knowledge I made up for by sheer hard work. Why couldn't you? I sacrificed my time – precisely 3 hours today – to prepare a 5-course dinner, waxed my legs and lit the candles, just so you can have a great Valentine’s Day. Why couldn't you do anything as sweet?

All BS. I tend to believe if an individual wanted anything badly enough, he/she would have made it by hook or crook. If that individual had any heart to do anything for you at all, he/she would, without being asked or informed.

But people do need a push or kick sometimes to be set in the correct direction, right? Absolutely. But really, there is no point feeling resentful, bitter and short-changed about those who can’t or won't be sorted out that way. Because they simply do not want to. Or they are just not that into you, or it.

I am ready.

I am ready to love.

I am ready to love in a way that I can be of purpose and support. I am ready to give, and be the source of happiness. I am ready to take on responsibilities, make sacrifices, as well as build a friendship, relationship, kinship and family. I am ready to love, find love, and be loved.

I am ready to put "I" aside and put "him" first.

I am ready to trust.

I am even ready to be a mother -- in fact I have always been ready to be one. And of course I am ready to be awesome in bed when it is right to be.

I am ready because I think I have been good to myself these past five years or so. Though I still suffer from bouts of melancholy, I no longer feel the pangs of depression. I have grown emotionally, mentally and psychologically strong enough to take on life, the more challenging sides of life that unendingly threaten, in the forms of family, work, friendship, and money. That is the only way I can best love a person, by being my best.

This is why I feel I have strength. I have the strength to love and to begin to open up.

And lately I realised I have also the strength to try, and to give my very best every time I try. I still fail but now, I'd know I've done everything I could -- no coulda woulda shoulda's.

I also have the strength to put myself out there today. I still feel afraid -- of being rejected, heartbroken, ridiculed and cast away -- but I am strong enough now to brace myself and pick myself up after that.

I've found the strength not to hate, because love is magical, blissful and blessed only between two people who fit, who love and are true to each other.

So while I am feeling more intensely about him each passing day, I must be patient, considerate and respectful.

I care, and I will show that I do. But if I am not part of the two "who fit, who love and are true to each other", then I must maintain my distance -- out of consideration and respect for the real "two" who are. It is not that I will not fight. But first I have to be patient. And everyday I am learning.

I know they have been tight. She probably needs him more than all these I am ready to give. I probably know more than I should now, and don't really know what to think, but I will trust and have faith.

And if he cannot find the heart to respond to me, I will not hate, I will not lose heart. I just have to try my best, be my best, and be patient.

So dear myself. Please stay strong and positive. And smile. :)

So another sorority girlfriend got married.

The other finally got proposed to.

And all I have to share is... I have a promotion opportunity coming in May/June this year. Maybe Deputy Editor. Or even Editor. Can't be Senior Assistant Editor, right?

How exciting is that?

Aiyo... Why...? Fatty (one of my advertisers/towkays) just called. At what time? 11.03 PM. Siao boh! Not like we're so ultra friendly with each other. How could he make a social non-work-related call at this hour??? I didn't answer. But my already despondent mood was put into a whirlpool - I can't get out - that sank thick into the abyss of depression.

I'm flying to KL in less than 10 hours. I really hate going there. I don't know where I'm going to be putting up at. Probably in some colleague's place. That is just so cheapskate. And deprived of personal space, time and entertainment. Not to mention having to zip across the city for interviews.

I spent the last weekend mourning for this week. Was supposed to be at some food tech and safety forum on Monday and Tuesday but the damn event was at some god damn Biopolis (or something) near MOE in Buona Vista. Fuck. So in order to not socialise, finish my chef's article and wrap up the issue, I went to the office on Monday instead. But oops... Tuesday morning I said I was going to the forum - but I was sleeping in my bed... cos I went for a movie with Purpur on Monday night. Aiyo... I feel so guilty. I just pray that my delinquency wouldn't catch up with me. Please please...

How? I'm getting too complacent at work. Gonna get into trouble one day. It was all the fault of TV - be it drama or movies or whatever. I really stay up late at night watching TV. Must be more disciplined!!!

Well. Will have to be so from tomorrow through Friday. God bless me. The bosses will be around in KL. Shit.

Europe trip in September. Kinda desperately wishing that someone would come travel with me... like... spend about 2K in air tickets but just 5 days in autumn Europe. Who'd do that!

Haven't been going to the gym last and this week. This trip is really getting to me. I don't know why. I get so confused... all the socialising, work and travel dates. I've been feeling unnatural, uncomfortable and out-of-synch. What's happening?

Oh, and the date-ghost... from 6 months ago... first, it was the email address which got shut down (3 months ago) then, the phone number was discontinued (3 days ago). OK, I discovered 3 months/days ago. Might have been so for a much longer time. So scary. How can anyone do anything like that? Or... did he die?

Sigh. But I find comfort in reminiscing on the fun time I had in Bali with the girls. And all the general craziness of these gfs. What would life be without them?

Almost time for a new job.
Almost.

Just wait.
Wait. Be patient.

In order to save myself, I have to stop thinking about him.

What a beauty it has been.

But let's stop thinking for a while, shall we?

I think I'm in love. I think... :) :) :)

我的心 是激动的
眼眸 是湿的
其实 一听见曲头 就哽咽了！

不记得 故事的情节
不能忘的只有 男主角最后的求婚
虽算不上浪漫 但是 是充满信念的
不是为自己 不是为他人 而是为两个人求的

Say Yes by Chage and Aska 

余計な物など　無いよね
yokei na mono nado   nai yo ne
すべてが君と僕との　愛の構えさ
ah subete ga kimi to boku to no   ai no kamae sa
Nothing happens without a reason in our love
It’s all preparation for the love and completeness between you and me.
 
少しくらいの嘘やワガママも
sukoshi kurai no uso ya wagamama mo
まるで僕  を試すような
maru de boku   wo tamesu yoo na
恋人 の フレイズになる
koibito  no  fureizu ni naru
A little lie or wilfulness,
Were like a lover’s phase testing my love.
 
このままふたりで  夢をそろえて
kono mama futari de     yume wo soroete
何げなく暮らさないか
nanigenaku kurasanai ka
Shouldn’t the two of us place our dreams side by side,
and without thinking deliberately, live a carefree life together  ?
 
愛には愛で感じ合おうよ
ai ni wa ai de kanji aou yo
硝子ケースに並ばないように
garasu ke-su ni narabanai yoo ni
You should use love to embrace the presence of love.
Don’t put your love away inside a glass case.
 
何度も言うよ　残さず言うよ
nando mo iu yo     nokosazu iu yo
君があふれてる
kimi ga afureteru
I will say it no matter how many times. I will say it without reservation.
I’m overflowing with emotions for you.
 
言葉は心を越えない
kotoba wa kokoro wo koenai
とても伝えたがるけど　心に勝てない
ah totemo tsutaetagaru kedo     kokoro ni katenai
My words of love just cannot get beyond my heart.
No matter how much I desire to let you know,
I can’t win against my heart.
 
君に逢いたくて　逢えなくて　寂しい夜
kimi ni aitakute         aenakute         samishii yoru
星の屋根に守られて　
hoshi no yane ni mamorarete
恋人の切なさ知った
koibito no setsunasa shitta
I want to see you but I can’t. On a lonely night
covered by a roof of stars, 
I came to know the suffering lovers endure

このままふたりで　朝を迎えて
kono mama futari de      asa wo mukaete
いつまでも暮らさないか
itsumademo kurasanai ka
Shouldn’t the two of us wake up to our mornings together?
and until eternity, live a life together?
 
愛には愛で感じ合おうよ
ai ni wa ai de kanji aou yo
恋の手触り消えないように
koi no tezawari kienai yoo ni
You should use love to embrace the presence of love.
Please do not let this touch of love be lost.
 
何度も言うよ  君は確かに
nando mo iu yo     kimi wa tashika ni
僕を愛してる
boku wo aishiteru
I will say it no matter how many times.
I know that you are really in love with me.
 
迷わずに  SAY YES  迷わずに
mayowazu ni  SAY YES  mayowazu ni
Don’t be perplexed any more. Say Yes.
Don’t be perplexed any more.
 
愛には愛で感じ合おうよ
ai ni wa ai de kanji aou yo
恋の手触り消えないように
koi no tezawari kienai yoo ni
You should use love to feel the presence of love.
Please do not let this touch of love be lost.
 
何度も言うよ  君は確かに
nando mo iu yo     kimi wa tashika ni
僕を愛してる
boku wo aishiteru
I will say it no matter how many times.
I know that you are really in love with me.
 
迷わずに  SAY YES  迷わずに
mayowazu ni  SAY YES  mayowazu ni
Don’t be perplexed any more. Say Yes.
Don’t be perplexed any more

Sun Tzu devised and designed 36 concise strategies on warfare. In recent years, these were popularly and arguably well-employed in business management.

How relevant are these strategies in the war of love and for love?

Should each move be measured and calculated? Must someone die?

If love is not warfare, it is at least and definitely a transaction. Most of the time, you pay and receive a change. If you’re lucky, you receive a refund. The luckiest outcome strikes when you receive a return of investment – any amount at all. But that is an investment after all. You could end up with either of those outcomes or worse, suffer a complete loss.

What is your bottomline? And what if no one wants to transact with you? Is there anything worse?

Singapore -> Shanghai -> Brussels -> Singapore

After so many years since China's reform opened it up to the world, after feverish campaigns of graciousness (speak English, smile, be polite, do not spit), after the Olympian achievement of a people, a culture so artfully and artistically staged for the world, the Chinese is still, well, the Chinese.

No, they do not speak better English. While dining at an Italian restaurant in T2 of Shanghai Pudong Airport (T2 where foreign airlines are housed and Pudong the financial centre of the city), I asked for warm water. This had to be broken down into: 
Me: Water?
She: Water
Me: Warm water
She: Warm...
Me: Hot water
She: Hot, ok

But I can speak Chinese. So why did I insist of speaking English? Well honestly, I didn't want to be thought mainland Chinese. They're loud, rude, provincial and have very, very bad dress sense.

And also because I felt that my requests would be paid more attention to if I spoke in English. I thought: I am a foreigner. I must have some kind of "extra-territorial rights". I am of the upper crust.

Indeed; TBC...